10 years
by fanningon
Summary: This is a one shot, separate to my other fics, it takes place after the real/tv season 3 finished, it's here to heal the rinn heartache (i hope you like and that it helps.) i will finish season 4 and the poly fic. i just needed a break from those stories for a bit, and i'm writing book one of elsa's backstory - 'Cell' - check it out over at my alternative tumblr fanningoff


'Truth' by The Bloc Party  
It was the truth  
That fell from these lips  
It blinded us  
And then the darkness left  
I am yours now  
Respectfully  
I am yours now  
Truthfully  
It burnt the stain  
Left on my mind  
Our hearts they beat  
A quarter tone apart  
I am yours now  
Respectfully  
Why can't I do it?  
You complete me  
Our kind is hard, hard to find, to find  
And if it will be  
It will be with you  
I am yours now  
Respectfully  
I am yours now  
Truthfully

Finn stared at his face in the mirror and scrunched his nose at himself. He was looking a bit the worse for wear this morning; he and Chop had had a bit of a big night last night. He picked up his can of cheap shaving cream and yawned and grumbled to himself. A woman walked into the bathroom and sat down to pee; he'd almost forgotten she was there.  
"Hey." She said groggily. "Did we fuck last night?"  
"Don' remember." Finn answered as he smeared shaving cream on his face.  
"Wanna try again this morning?" She asked.  
"Yeah sure." Finn answered and wiped the shaving cream off his face as her hand reached out to grab his cock.  
"My name's Mary by the way."  
"Nice to meet ya Mary." He groaned as she started to suck his cock.

Now he was just beyond exhausted and he knew Archie would be waiting for him, annoyed at how he was always late. He shaved his grizzly beard and complained to himself silently as what's-her-name showered and sang happily. He'd have to get her out of the apartment before Archie got here; he just wasn't in the mood for the inquisition that always followed every time Archie saw another woman in his apartment. And Archie always ended up coming over when he was late.  
The phone rang and Finn walked out to the lounge room to get it.  
"You running late?" It was Archie.  
"Nah, you got me out the shower." Finn answered.  
"Look at the fucking time Finn." Archie said and Finn looked at the clock on the wall Archie had gotten him. It was 11:30. He was supposed to have met Archie at 11am.  
"Shit."  
"I'm coming over."  
"No, I'll be there-" But Archie had hung up. Finn groaned and went back to the bathroom.  
"Hey, you gotta go. Me boyfriend's coming over."  
"Boyfriend?" She asked incredulously.  
"Would it get you out the place quicker if I said girlfriend?" Finn asked and she gave him a very unimpressed look.  
"Well fuck you." She answered and turned the water off.  
"Already have." Finn answered, "And it was great. But I'm busy now. And you were supposed to be gone hours ago."

Getting her out of the house had been surprisingly easy; he promised to give her a call. He wouldn't. And he could tell that she didn't really expect him to; she just hoped he would.  
He sat down at the massive computer Archie had made him get and turned it on. He knew that if Archie wasn't already here, he was deliberately taking his time so that Finn had time to get ready, so he had time.  
The only thing he used this stupid machine for was emails. He checked it every day, religiously.  
She didn't write everyday, and it was never just to him anymore. But she wrote at least twice a week.  
"Takes fucking forever." He grumbled as the computer connected to the internet, the loud screeching beeping noises playing havoc with his grumpy mood.  
This morning there was a new email from her. He felt that instant jolt of excitement mingled with regret that he always felt when he saw her name. He hesitated. He always hesitated now.  
Last year, just before she'd stopped writing to him directly she'd told them she had a new boyfriend. He was gorgeous and kind and liked music and was great in the sack. When they'd broken up 3 months later, Finn hadn't given her a whole lot of sympathy, and the emails to him had just sort of dried up. He just couldn't lie to her. He was glad that she was single again. He knew he had to stop that.  
Now he was always worried that he'd read that she had another new boyfriend, a fiancé, a husband, who fucking knew. He wanted her to be happy, but he struggled to read about it when that happiness was with someone else.  
He liked it when she was happy and single. That was best. Well, not best, but the best he could hope for.  
He relented and opened up the email.  
Hey Gang!  
Finn could see it was addressed to Chop, Izzy, Archie, Danny, Chloe and himself.  
I graduate next week! I'm heading back to Stamford for a few weeks before I figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life!  
Finn pursed his lips slightly. As he read her words.  
Fuck, that sounds serious and grown up don't it?  
This of course means that it's time to head to The Swan!  
He couldn't help but grin.  
You all better be there! Next Saturday, not this one. Can't wait to catch up proper like.  
Love you all!  
Rae xo  
There was a knock on the door and he shut off the machine quickly; he never knew why he felt ashamed when people like Archie or Chloe knew he was reading her emails and smiling, but he hid it from them.  
He let Archie in and was given a rough hug and a disapproving glare.  
"I can still smell the alcohol on your breath." Archie clucked.  
"I don't got work today." Finn sniffed and lit up a cigarette. "So me and Chop had a bit o' fun last night."  
"Well I hope you're not all partied out." Archie answered, "You free next Saturday?"  
"This Saturday? Nah, I got that thing for Reg at work, I told-"  
"No next Saturday." Archie cut him off. "Have you checked your emails lately?"  
"Nah, can't be fucked." Finn said with a lazy shrug.  
"Well Rae's gonna be back in town and we're all going out to the Swan." Archie eyed him closely, looking for any sign from Finn. Anything at all. But Finn just stared blankly at him.  
"Oh right." He said emotionlessly. "Well I guess we'll be getting messy then!" He cracked into a huge smile and Archie couldn't help but be happy too.  
"Getting the gang back together!" Archie declared exuberantly. It was only the sixth time Rae had been back to Stamford. With her mother still in Tunisia, there was no one in Stamford to nag her to visit more often; the gang were all busy too. But they wrote often, and that had had to be enough.

Finn sat, staring at his television set, for what seemed like forever, before he finally got up and turned it on. He sat, with his microwave meal, staring at the tv, not really seeing what was on it, the light fading around him. He didn't get up and put the light on.  
It was starting to worry him how many evenings he spent like this.  
He got up, determined to do something different.  
He looked around his apartment. It felt so empty.  
Finn sat down at the computer, still on from checking it this morning; there'd been an email from Chloe this morning, detailing what time they'd all be meeting up in a few days time. They were getting food at the chippy first.  
He looked down his list of emails. He selected a few of them and hovered the mouse over the 'delete' button.  
He never did delete them.

Finn looked in the mirror and wondered if he should shave that bit of grizzle on his chin. He had barely slept last night and he looked like it.  
He lit up a cigarette and went to the toilet to piss. He stared at the wall. His mind utterly blank. He barely registered the wish that his brain could have shut up last night; last night it had raced, and he had tossed and turned, unable to have a moment of peace and silence… no sleep. But now he could practically see the tumbleweeds rolling across the vast emptiness of his mind.  
But his stomach was rumbling and fluttering and his heart seemed to be skipping every second beat. He took a few deep breaths, flushed the toilet and looked back in the mirror.  
He got in the shower, deciding to leave the stubble, it made him feel like he was a different person than that 19 year old knob-head he'd once been.  
Lunch time came around and Finn decided it would be better to get out of the house than stay in this empty apartment waiting until tonight.  
As soon as he walked into the Thai place he turned around to walk out.  
"Hey!" When he heard her voice he froze and turned around.  
"Hi Katie." He said reluctantly. He regretted that they'd fucked a couple of times over the past 3 years.  
"I'm back in town for a bit." Her voice was filled with promising suggestion and Finn knew he'd end up fucking her again if she hit on him; he hadn't turned down any really forward girls over the past three years. It'd been nice.  
But Katie was complicated.  
Katie was very complicated.  
"Great, we'll catch up later." He answered hurriedly, "I just realised I forgot me wallet."  
"I can pay." She said with a grin, "Put in an order."  
"Alright, but you know I'm more expensive than a meal yeah?" He joked.  
"Not in my experience." She returned with a laugh.  
He was later again, pulling his shirt on as he ran out of her place.  
He was always late.  
When he got there, the first thing he saw was her, laughing with Chloe. They were standing at the table, putting the food down. She was wearing a black flared skirt and a fitted, red, halter-neck shirt that showed a little bit of cleavage and a lot of bare back. Her hair fell in lose curls down her back, a stylish silver hairpin pulling it out of her face. Her body was exactly the same as it had always been, but there was something different about her that Finn couldn't put his finger on. He'd been noticing it more and more each time he saw her.  
Finn only noticed that he'd stopped breathing when he had to gasp in some air. He tried to cover his gasp by coughing and that just made them all look up at him.  
"About time." Archie said thoroughly unimpressed.  
"Yeah sorry, I had something… come up." It wasn't entirely untrue, his cock had 'come up' Katie's clacker not 30 minutes ago. He felt his stomach drop when he thought about that. His stomach always dropped when he thought about Katie in any way, but especially now, when he was in Rae's presence, and she was looking at him.  
"Alright Finn." Rae said.  
"Yeah alright." He answered and lit up a cigarette. The lady behind the counter gave him a dirty look, but no one told him to put it out, so he kept smoking.  
"Got ya a nice bit o' fish." Chop said and tossed the bag of fish and chips up the table as Finn walked towards them. Rae sat at the other end of the table next to Chloe and Danny. He sat down, Archie beside him, Izzy on the other side, Chop next to her. There was a moment of silence as everyone opened up the food.  
And then the conversations broke out, loud and natural, like they'd never been apart. After the typical jokes and music references, and gossip about what was happening in Stamford, the conversation turned to what they had been doing since they'd last seen Rae and what they were planning to do. It turned out that Rae wasn't going to be in Stamford for the next few weeks. She only had three days here because Chloe had surprised her with tickets for Tunisia for the two of them. Rae's excited tone of voice left Finn with no doubt about how happy Chloe's gift had made Rae. After two weeks in Tunisia, they were off to Morocco and Egypt. Archie was very jealous but Finn had no desire to ever leave Stamford. He stared moodily at his drink while they nattered on happily about what they were going to do.  
After they finished their meals at the chippy, it was off to the Swan. Finn was beginning to think they wouldn't have a conversation at all. They'd been at the Swan for hours before she suddenly sat next to him after having gone to the bathroom.  
"Finlay, what have you been up to?" She asked merrily. He could tell she wasn't drunk; he knew what that looked like, but she was a little tipsy.  
"Nothing." He answered gruffly.  
"Nothing?" She asked with an amused expression.  
"Just work." He said, "We're not all as exciting as you." He immediately regretted that but she laughed it off. Finn's eyebrows furrowed. He didn't understand this Rae; but then he'd never understood Rae. He'd tried and failed.  
"Looks like the only thing that's changed about you is your beard." She said and ran her fingers along his jaw, testing the prickliness of his stubble. He felt like her fingertips were filled with electricity; he'd missed this feeling. The feeling of being touched by a woman who seemed to be made of pure magic. He thought he felt a parallel jolt of electricity in her, but he couldn't be sure. He used to know how to read her body, to read her desire and arousal. But that wasn't his anymore; knowledge of Rae didn't belong to him. It hadn't for three years.  
He nursed a beer while everyone talked and joked around him.  
"Not much of a drinker anymore?" She asked him.  
"Sometimes." He answered; he wasn't drinking much tonight because he didn't want to make a fool of himself in front of her.  
"Getting old." She joked.  
"Oh aye, ancient." He laughed.  
"Wanna get out o' here." She said softly. Finn could barely believe his ears.  
"You what girl?"  
"I wanna see your apartment." She answered with a sweet innocent smile, but a look of absolute sin in her eyes.  
"Alright." All of a sudden Finn's mouth was dry, his hands trembling, the butterflies in his stomach that had just managed to settle were alight and threatening to force their way up his throat. She was coming back to his place… the place that was supposed to have been their place.  
Slipping away from the pub had been met with the expected round of jeering from some and attempts at politely not noticing from the best friends.  
The walk from the pub was filled with stilted conversation and pleasantries; nothing like how they used to talk. It was awkward and unsure. Finn wondered what on earth they were going to talk about when they got to his flat.  
As soon as Finn closed the door behind them she was kissing him. This was not what he had expected at all. This was not entirely like the Rae he had dated.  
But university had changed her. Having to do it alone had changed her. He might not be as smart as her, but he was smart enough to see that right from the first moment he'd seen her tonight. He'd been feeling the change grow in her every time he'd seen her over the years. All six times. Not nearly enough.  
Finn didn't know what to do with himself, or her, other than follow her lead completely; an entirely new thing for their relationship. In the past, neither of them had been so firmly in control as Rae was now. Finn had gently led, not really meaning to, but it had just naturally fallen into that pattern because he was older and more experienced.  
Now she was pushing him towards the lounge suite and he was going, their lips pressed together, his feet trying to pick their way amongst the clothes he'd left on the floor this morning. She pushed him onto the lounge and he thudded down, looking up at her, a predatory, lustful look in her eyes, as she hitched up her skirt, slipped her knickers down and straddled him.  
Finn could think of nothing to do but enjoy her deep insistent kisses, his hands limp and useless at his sides as she rocked in his lap, her hands on his face, holding him in place. He liked her in control like this.  
"Finn!" She said angrily.  
"What?"  
"Have you in fact been bitten by a paralysis tick lately?" She asked pointedly.  
"Paralysis tick? What?" He was completely bewildered.  
"Yes or no?"  
"No…?" He answered, unsure.  
"Then use your fucking hands lad!" She snapped. His hands instantly went to her thighs, an apologetic laugh on his lips that was smothered by her kisses.  
Finn's fingers found their way under her skirt, his heart once again skipping a beat as he felt that silky smooth skin of hers, and then the first bump of her self-harm scars. Everything about her was so familiar to him, but also so new and unknown. She undid his fly, something she had done hundreds of times over the months and months they'd dated, but it sent shivers of nerves and excitement through his whole body. She'd never unzipped his fly like this before.  
Everything was different about her, while she was still so quintessentially Rae. It felt so strange to him, a kind of dissonance kept hitting his mind as she moved on top of him.  
In the past she'd only gone on top like this a few times. Because even though she was working on her self-image and was learning to love herself, she never quite got there, and she got self conscious of him looking at her.  
In the past she had taken his cock out of his pants like she was apologising to him. He'd never realised that until she pulled it out now like she was honouring him with her touch. He suddenly realised that she didn't think he was the hottest person alive anymore. She didn't think he was an 11 and she was a 4. Not anymore.  
She slipped his cock into her and Finn again was hit with the difference between old Rae and new Rae. Old Rae had enjoyed sex a lot because he was so attractive and she could barely believe her luck. New Rae just enjoyed sex because it felt good. And it wasn't that she wasn't attracted to him; she clearly was. It was just that everything wasn't happening with a sense of awe in her. It was happening as if she expected it to; of course it would, of course Finn would be single and would fuck her. Why wouldn't he?  
Finn groaned deeply as she got a good deep grinding rhythm going and in the same motioned pulled her shirt up over her head, her braless breasts popping out of her top lusciously. He didn't need prompting to get his hands on those beauties. He'd missed her glorious curves so much and his mouth was on her breasts when she pulled up her skirt over her head, catching his face, but he didn't care and dove back in instantly.  
Rae put a hand on the lounge beside his head and rode him. Finn understood that she was riding him for her pleasure and was more than happy to simply enjoy the show, groaning deeply, desperately trying to keep it together. He was so close to murmuring how much he loved her, how much he'd missed her… how much he wanted her back. How his whole life hadn't been the same without her.  
And she was coming, her voice pitching higher as she whimpered, groaned and then the load moans kicked in.  
Oh god he'd missed her.  
Her pussy clenched around his cock and he grabbed her hips, trying to stop himself from coming already. He should have been able to hold on longer, especially since he'd already had sex that day. But confident Rae completely undid him and he was coming loudly, his fingers digging into her creamy skin, a string of expletives streaming from his mouth.  
She laughed and kissed him as he cursed himself silently for coming so quickly. She'd always had that effect on him.  
He looked down and noticed that he was still completely dressed and she was completely naked. In the past she'd always wanted him to be completely naked so she could revel in his body, his hotness, his attractiveness.  
This time she had gifted him with the chance to revel in her. He felt like he hadn't gotten enough time to really enjoy that opportunity.  
They showered together, talking like old times, but she knew so much more and her head was filled with things from the world outside of the small enclosure he'd made for himself in Stamford. But he noticed that she never talked about herself. It bothered him; he used to know almost everything about her, at least he thought he did. He thought she had once told him all about herself. But now he could not fool himself into thinking she was telling him anything about her. It made him wonder if she'd always talked like this, speaking so many words, but not saying anything.  
And then she was gone. Her clothes back on, her excuses about staying at Chloe's house made, the smell of her lingering in his apartment.

"I'm just saying, if I have to hear where's the fucking luv one more fucking time I'm prob'ly gonna have to kill someone." Finn pulled out the nicotine gum and stared at it with a dejected, unimpressed expression. Chop gave him a sympathetic nod.  
"If I did it, you can fucking do it lad."  
"You only did it cos Izzy won't let ya no more." Finn noted. "When's she due?"  
"Still three months." Chop answered as he grabbed a wrench from his tool box. The song by the Blackeyed Peas finally finished and Finn looked at the radio gratefully as he shoved the gum into his mouth. In 5 minutes the radio host would change, and then his weekday daily torture would begin.  
"Heyup England, I'm about to sign out but the always lovely Rae Earl will be taking you home this afternoon. See you all tomorrow." The radio presenter said chirpily.  
"She take me home anytime she wants." Finn mumbled to himself.  
"What's that?" Chop asked about Finn shook his head.  
"Nothing mate." Finn continued to look at the radio, scrunching his nose up at the song that the presenter chose to play himself out on: 'Mandy' by Westlife.  
"You gonna fucking work or stand around waiting for Raemundo to get on the radio?" Chop snapped.  
"Aye!" Finn answered testily and started to work on the car. He started to laugh when he heard 'I believe in a thing called love' by The Darkness start to play.  
"Classic Rae.' Chop agreed with Finn's chuckle.  
"Alright everyone?" Her voice was perfect, coming in over the very end of the song. "I've been having a very nostalgic day today cos I been going through all me old things… looking at photos and letters and that kind of thing." Finn again stopped working and looked at the radio. "So this song's for you, I haven't seen ya in three years, but this song will always be ours… it was supposed to be both of us doing this job together." She said softly, and then 'Wonderwall' by Oasis began to play. Finn's eyes dropped and he sat on the car, Chop giving him a truly pissed off look. He hadn't seen her since the one night stand they'd had before her and Chloe headed to Tunisia. But she had started sporadically emailing him again.  
There had been another boyfriend; this one had lasted a whole year. And he and Katie had almost become an item for a few months. But she moved to London and he just kept plodding along.  
Archie had gone to visit her in London.  
Chop and Izzy had gone to visit her in London.  
Danny had gone to visit her in London.  
Archie went again, this time with his new boyfriend…  
But Finn had never gone to visit her.

Hey Gang!  
I'm heading back to Stamford in 3 weeks time, just in time to become an aunt I think! (Izzy I am too excited)  
I'm hoping to visit more often now that Chloe's moved back there and I have a place to stay for free! ;)  
Looking forward to hearing about everything that's going on with you all since I last saw you all.  
Love loads and loads  
Rae  
xo

"I thought Archer was gonna pick me up?" Rae looked into the car and Finn gave her a grim expression.  
"Simon and him are having a row." He explained, "Again." He added under his breath. "But we can grab some lunch and stuff. I know you was gonna hang out with Arch until Chlo got off work."  
"Alright." Rae answered. "Still in the same apartment?"  
"Aye." Finn answered. "Prob'ly never move."  
"I'm thinking of moving to Australia." Rae answered.  
"Why's that?" He tried to fight back the panic.  
"I went there last year on holidays and it was fucking brilliant." Rae answered. He nodded and tried not to stare at her out of the corner of his eyes. She looked amazing again. He noticed a few people give her a bit of an appreciative look as she stuffed her suitcase in his backseat, holding a hand up to him when he tried to help.  
"Where d'you wanna go for lunch?"  
"Just your place." Rae answered politely. "Keep it cheap."  
They were kissing before he'd even unlocked the front door. They stumbled in; this time Finn was far more ready for her leading him and when she pushed him back towards the lounge, he went readily, kissing her and undressing along the way.  
Rae pulled her blue dress off in one motion, her black lacy underwear making Finn sigh in appreciation; he could see her nipples and pubic hair through them. Finn collapsed onto the lounge when she pushed him down and watched her slowly, seductively remove her underwear, her eyes on his face the whole time.  
It was so sexy, how confident she was, how she never lowered her eyes in embarrassment. He'd never been turned on more by anything, not even that time he'd managed to get two girls to come back to his place.  
As soon as she was naked, she climbed onto his lap again and rode him to a beautiful orgasm, but this time Finn held on; he knew what to expect more now, and he had mentally prepared for it as they had been kissing.  
He tapped her arse gently when she had finished coming to tell her he wanted to do another position, the way he used to when they'd been together. And she slid off his lap so sinuously Finn groaned; the visuals she was giving him were going to stay with him for a lifetime.  
And she licked the tip of his cock. The noise Finn made was something between a whimper and a groan. He'd never had a blowjob the way Rae gave them; she seemed to revel in figuring out what he liked, she used her mouth like a fine musician, a master artist a… his mind stopped as she really started to get down to business.  
"Oh Jesus…" Finn moaned; Rae had learned some new tricks. Her fingers slid behind his balls, between his thighs and pressed into his perineum, the pressure making his cock throb delightfully. She swirled her tongue around the head of his cock every time her mouth came up his shaft, and then plunged it as deep into her mouth as she could, one hand pressing into his perineum and squeezing his balls gently, the other hand stroking the base of his cock in rhythm with her mouth. It was quite impressive how fast she could do this combination of movements. His breathing became ragged and breathy, filled with barely articulated expletives murmured under his breath. His eyes stayed on her face, her lips around his cock, her eyes on his face.  
All too soon Finn felt his orgasm coming on and he gently stopped her.  
"Let me get up in that cunt, girl." He whispered to her and Rae laughed and laid down on the lounge, spreading her legs for him.  
As always, her smell and taste was utterly intoxicating and Finn had to remind himself to not be too eager and to remember all the techniques he'd learned to use on her. He licked along her labia, his fingers caressing just below her vaginal opening, teasing her; he knew she liked to be fingered while he ate her. He used the flat of his tongue to give her a long semi-hard lick and her fingers gripped his hair firmly.  
"Oh fuck." She groaned happily and Finn felt that familiar ache in his balls that her pleasure gave him. He licked her clit for several minutes before sucking it gently between his lips, rolling it slightly and flicking the tip of his tongue on the tip, occasionally probing under her clit hood, making her legs jolt and her groans get loader. He slipped two of his fingers inside of her, finally, and her groans became even more urgent. Curling his fingers slightly inside of her, he moved his fingers in a circular motion over the areas inside of her that he knew were sensitive. His other hand travelled up her stomach to her breasts to squeeze her nipples fairly tightly; this always made her pussy wetter.  
And that much about her hadn't changed.  
It was all too soon that he felt her thighs begin to quiver and close in around his head, her groans high and loud. He loved the way her body jolted in orgasm  
He wanted to climb on top of her and stare into her eyes, make love to her, tell her that-  
But she was on all fours and Finn just couldn't resist fucking her from behind; he loved feeling his pelvis and balls slapping against her. If he was feeling dirty, he'd slap that arse a little too… and he most certainly was feeling a little dirty now that he saw her bent over in front of him.  
Finn fucked Rae hard and fast, smacking her arse several times, fairly hard, each time met with a resounding yell of 'yes!' from her.  
He desperately tried not to cum when he heard her cries of orgasm; he wanted to make love to her, face to face.  
He had possibly the most spectacular orgasm he'd ever had.  
He barely had chance to be disappointed that he hadn't managed to hold out and get what he wanted, before they collapsed together on the floor in his lounge room, laughing and panting.  
They laid together for a few moments before she sat up.  
"Better clean up and get some lunch." She said breezily. Finn followed her into the bathroom feeling exasperated that she wasn't more affected by this; she was already chatting away about her time in London, her job as a radio DJ, about her first book that might be getting published…  
"I've missed you so much Rae." The words just leapt out of him without any intent on his behalf; he just couldn't help it.  
"Don't do this." She said softly, her eyes lowered for the first time during this whole encounter.  
"Don't do what?" He was suddenly angry. "The last two times we seen each other, there's been like fucking magic between us and I-"  
"This isn't magic!" She said as she flashed her eyes at him angrily, "This is fucking. Don't turn it into something it's not."  
"This isn't you Rae." He whispered.  
"How would you know what's me?" She snapped, "You basically abandoned me and our relationship when I got into university. You couldn't have it your way so you went after Katie, who was supposed to be my friend!"  
"That's not-"  
"You didn't even try to suggest a long distance relationship. You didn't even fight for me… for us… you just… you let us go… so don't you dare try and do this now Finn Nelson, don't you dare." There were angry tears in her eyes, "I've spent the last 6 years of my life building myself up. By myself. You weren't there for me, you weren't part of it… you don't get to walk back into my life now and say you miss me… say we're magic."  
"I love you Rae…" He didn't know what else to say.  
"Fuck you!" She spat angrily at him. She grabbed her clothes and headed to the door.  
"Rae don't…" He went after her. "You're not even dressed!" But she was putting her dress on, shoving her underwear into her handbag.  
"I'll get Archie to come get my suitcase, yeah?" She said as she yanked his door open. It was slammed shut before he'd had chance to reply.

"I thought you quit." Archie said as he walked up to the hospital. Finn drew heavily on his cigarette.  
"Yeah well it's been a fucked up week." Finn mumbled grumpily. Archie pursed his lips, wondering if he should push Finn. Rae had already told him and Chloe a fair bit of what had happened, but he knew she was withholding some of it. "It's her 12th hour of labour." Finn changed the topic.  
"Christ." Archie marvelled. "How the fuck do women do it?"  
"No fucking clue." Finn answered, "But you should see Chop." He started to chuckle, "He's fucking bricking it!" They shared a good laugh and Finn started to feel a little better.  
But the nagging sensation that he'd fucked his whole life up when he'd been 19 and heartbroken, when he'd acted in a moment of painful impulse, wouldn't leave him.

"He's real nice." Finn said awkwardly and handed the squirming baby back to Izzy. "Got a name yet?"  
"Not yet." She gave Chop an unimpressed look. ""He keeps coming up with joke names."  
"I wasn't joking when I said Reginald." Chop answered. Izzy handed their baby to Rae and Finn watched her coo and smile at the newborn. He felt a sharp pain in his chest and looked away, swallowing back his regrets.

"Is she coming to Reg's 1st birthday?" Finn tried to sound casual but Chloe gave him a knowing look. Archie sighed silently; he knew that all roads led back to Rae when it came to Finn. Even when they were supposed to be comforting him over his monumental break up with Simon.  
"I think so." Chloe answered in a slightly guarded tone. Archie and Chloe exchanged a look; it had been 7 years since Rae had left for university, and Finn was still caught up in her.  
"Why do ya care?" Archie asked.  
"She's our friend." Finn answered and popped some gum in his mouth; he was back to quitting smoking. "Why wouldn't I care?"  
"Maybe it's time to let her go Finn." Chloe said gently.  
"It's not like that." Finn answered, sightly defensively. "Why-?"  
"You're the one that left her." Chloe answered.  
"Aye, everyone's always quick to blame me!" Finn snapped, "None o' ya stop an' think how I did her a fuckin' favour. I let her go. She went where she had to go… and I didn't put up a fight… cos it were better for her that way."  
"Is that what you tell yourself to make yourself feel better that you cheated on her?" Chloe said, "Oh I was a huge jerk so she'd go and get her education, look at me making the big sacrifices. Now she'll obviously wanna just come back and get with me!"  
"That's not what I'm saying! And she don't want me anyway!" Finn retorted angrily. And then he stopped, all of his emotions catching up with him. "Why don't she want me? She used to want me…" Archie heard the pain in Finn's voice and leaned across the table towards him, "I mean, I haven't changed or nothing…" He said this like it was a good thing.  
"Exactly." Chloe said, "You're a 25 year old knob-head, just like you were a 19 year old knob-head." Chloe answered brutally. "Instead of asking why doesn't she want you, ask why would she? What have you got to offer her? Other than your hotness?" Chloe could see that this hurt him, but she pushed on, "I think you know that she's not the same Rae that used to think that you're better than her. So how are you anything different than the guy that cheated on her and abandoned his mentally ill girlfriend of 2 years to the big bad world, because that was supposedly gonna be easier for her?" Chloe said, "Don't you think she considered that you'd done it deliberately to make her go and take the opportunity. Don't you think she sees that type o' thinking for exactly what it is? Utter bullshit. You fucked up Finn. 7 years ago you fucked up. And you've done nothing about it since then. Not a damn thing!" Chloe's voice was filled with indignation and rage on behalf of her best friend.  
"What am I s'posed to do about it?" Finn yelled back.  
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself. And stop treating her like she should just come back to ya… you're not entitled to her just cos you used to have her."  
"Maybe take some time to get to know yourself, rather than just wait around for her to come back." Archie said gently.

Once again Finn found himself staring at his television, the darkness of the evening encroaching on the room. Chloe's words kept tumbling around in his head.  
But this time when he got up he sat down at the computer and started to search the internet; he didn't know what he was searching for, but he knew he'd know it when he saw it.

It was blazingly hot, the air felt thick and wet and the traffic crept to a standstill as heavy thunderclouds gathered in the horizon.  
"God this is exciting." Archie said as he looked out the window.  
Finn had decided to bring his best friend with him on his overseas odyssey. When he'd seen the three month guided tour of several countries in Africa, he had bought two tickets on impulse. He didn't think he'd 'find himself' in Africa, but he did think he'd expand his horizons and learn more about the world.  
And maybe once he'd done that, he could finally figure his own shit out.

His apartment smelled stale and Finn dropped his suitcase and realised his whole life had been stale; he had to find a new apartment.  
And maybe it was time to move away from Stamford all together.

He'd only been with Bianca 6 months and he already knew he had deep feelings for her.  
She was a short, blonde woman, 3 years older than him, that he'd met on his first day in London.  
When he'd told Archie just over 6 months ago that he wanted to move, Archie had told him that he wanted to move to London to pursue archaeology. So Finn had found work and an apartment, and Archie and he had moved in together. Archie found work at the British museum and was studying part time, and even Finn was thinking of picking up studying something.  
Meeting Bianca had been an unexpected and wonderful surprise. She was the kind of woman that demanded respect and time and thought. She was the kind of woman that turned boys into men because she took no shit from boys, leaving them with two options, stay a single boy, or learn to grow into a man.  
She'd also made him wait for three months to have sex. It had taught him patience and an inner calmness he hadn't realised he'd been missing.  
She was the first real relationship Finn had been in since Rae…  
So it was with real surprise that Archie sat at their kitchen table and tried to pretend he wasn't watching Bianca and Finn break up. It was all so cordial and respectful, that Archie couldn't tell who was doing the breaking up.  
"Bye Archie!" Bianca trilled as she went to the door, "See ya round Finn." She said and he gave her a kiss on the cheek before closing the door behind her. Archie stared at Finn in silence as he sat down at his computer, set up on the kitchen table, and started to browse the internet.  
"What do ya wanna do for New Year's?" Finn asked, "2005… Fuck time fucking flies. It'll be Reg's second birthday soon." He grinned at Archie.  
"I thought…" Archie pointed at the door, "I thought you two was getting on right proper…?"  
"We was." Finn agreed and kept searching online for New Year's plans.  
"So…?" Archie as confused.  
"Oh." Finn realised Archie needed an explanation, "We both just realised that we were at that place in our relationship where it was time to get serious." Finn said, "Cos neither of us just want a casual thing. We're both looking for love. For the real thing." He looked up at Archie, "And we both knew that this wasn't the real thing." He pulled a face, "Gave it 6 months, really enjoyed being with her. care about her deeply…" Finn looked back down at his computer monitor, "But she is not the one."  
"Finn you know-"  
"We re not-"  
"It's probably never-"  
"Having this fucking-"  
"gonna happen!"  
"Conversation again Archie!"  
They spoke over each other.  
There was a sharp silence following their mini-argument as they both glared at each other.  
"Rae is-" Archie began.  
"Archie." Finn stopped him talking in a warning tone. Archie could tell that Finn wasn't going to let him have this conversation, so he decided to change his tactics.  
"Why did you even get with Katie anyway?" Archie asked, still perplexed by his best mate's actions.  
"You know, after me and Rae first broke up, I went with Olivia… then the second time it was Katie… it would've kept happening… cos…" Finn thought for a moment, "When Rae rejects me, it makes me feel like I don't deserve love… cos… cos she's everything."  
"She was everything." Archie corrected but Finn shook his head.  
"She'll always be everything."  
"But you were getting real close with Bianca." Archie said, confused.  
"Which was a real fucking shame. Cos I really liked her, I cared about her quite a bit… but…" He shook his head. "It's always gonna be Rae. And I don't get to be with her." Finn said, "And I get why, I get how I fucked up, and continued to fuck up. How I wasn't ready and wanted it to be easy, so I let her go. I was tired, Archie. I love her so much, but there was always something." He said like he was confessing something terrible. "I shouldn't say that."  
"Yes you should." Archie said warmly, finally getting into Finn's head and heart on the topic gave him hope that he could finally help him get over Rae, "Rae's me other best mate, but I know how hard it could sometimes be with her. Just because we were all more than willing to help her and support her, it don't mean that we were ready for it, or that it weren't exhausting sometimes, or that we even knew what we was doing. None o' that means we love her any less." Archie said, "Supporting people with mental illness is hard work. We should've been talking to each other about it. Maybe I could've helped you through it and-"  
"Don't think things could've ever been different Arch. She outgrew me." He said with a sad smile. "It wasn't just how hard her mental illness was. It was that I was holding her back. And on some level, I knew it. So I let her go. Cos it were easier than dragging myself up and through all my shit… I didn't know how to do that." He understood how many ways he'd failed them both, "I told her I was 19 year old knob-head like all the others… I should've told her I was a fucking lazy 19 year old knob-head." He shook his head. "And it took me this long to realise just how fucked up I was to tell her I still loved her. To put my feelings on her when I was so dishonest with her and myself before. I was often upset that she never fully opened up to me. But Arch, I never made myself into someone she could open up to."  
"I think it was always such a mess with both of you, cos you were both so similar in some ways." Archie mused. "She wasn't exactly the most open of girls back then."  
"No." Finn agreed.  
"And she didn't exactly work her arse off to be the kinda girl you could open up to, now did she?" Finn furrowed his brows in thought, "I don't think it's helpful to only blame ourselves for something that took two people. I don't think it helps either of you to only blame yourself or to deny Rae's flaws, or her part in the snap in your relationship. You might've known she had problems, but it didn't stop you idealising and idolising her, instead of seeing her as a person. I don't think it was just you up there on that pedestal Finn."

A warm smile came to his lips the minute he saw her. She was holding Reginald on her hip, laughing and talking to him. It had been a year since he'd seen her. A year since he'd seen her at Reg's first birthday and they hadn't said a word to each other, even though it had been a year since he'd told her he still loved her. A year in which he'd spent three months in Africa, moved to London with Archie and had a girlfriend for 6 months.  
It felt like it had been a lifetime.  
He had seen her just 9 times in the last 8 years.  
6 times in the three years she was in university. Then they'd fucked and she'd gone off to Tunisia.  
Then three years passed before he saw her again, and they'd fucked and he'd told her he still loved her…  
Then he'd seen her a year later at Reg's first birthday.  
And now today, another year had passed, and there she was.  
She was like finding your favourite tv show on when you were snuggled up on the lounge and there was a thunderstorm raging outside.  
Like reading your favourite book on the beach.  
Like taking your favourite jumper out of the dryer.  
She was like…  
Like home.  
She was his favourite person.  
A happy smile crept across his face as he watched her. He made up his mind to go over and try to apologise for before and ask if they could restart their friendship.  
And then a tall man came up behind her and put a hand on her hip. And the beautiful smile of hers that used to be for him was lavished upon this tall man.  
Finn felt a sharp stab of pain in his heart as he watched them talking. Their conversation was so easy, and from the way they both laughed, they were both funny, and oh so comfortable with each other.  
He took a deep breath and tried to count backwards from ten; Bianca had taught him to do this, to try to let his thoughts catch up with his emotions.  
He was happy for her.  
Devastated for himself.  
But she looked so happy. And really, all he wanted for her was for her to be happy.  
He so wished that could be with him. But as he watched them talk, he finally began to understand that it would not be. It would never be him.  
He went over to Chop, cooking food on a barbecue and trying not to swear at everyone messing up his tiny bit of backyard. Finn felt utterly bereft. But it felt like he was finally clean, finally rid of that lingering hope that he could ever have Rae again.  
8 years after they had broken up, Finn Nelson was finally ready to accept it.  
And he was desperately going to try to not start smoking again just because his heart was ripped in two. At least he could heal now. The wound was open and bleeding, but he'd finally gotten the sting out; he knew it was truly over.  
It was the first time he'd seen her with another man. He'd read about it in her emails, but he'd never seen it. He guessed he'd never been able to believe that any other guy could make her as happy as he could. But now he could see it wasn't true; she was so happy.  
Not much had changed with the gang over the year.  
Danny had had a few dalliances into the world of romance, and had come out as bisexual, which was the worst kept secret this century.  
Archie had had two very torrid love affairs but had remained stubbornly single, saying that Simon had taught him that all men were scum. Except for his new 'friend' he'd just met who seemed very nice.  
Chloe had a very large ring on her finger, and Finn was wondering where the guy was that had given her that ring.  
Izzy had put on a little bit of weight, and everyone in the gang was silently thinking it but no one said it; she was probably pregnant again.  
Chop was beginning to bald early and he was right pissed off about it. So of course everyone was rubbing his head for good luck and to shine it up.  
And Rae. well she was so happy. And she had a man that put that smile on her face.  
Finn didn't know it, but he had changed too. He carried himself differently, his clothes were better kept, his hair properly groomed, and he smiled a little more; he was obviously happier within himself than he had been in possibly his whole life.  
There were a bunch of other children with their parents there too, and in between the kids screaming and the new people to meet, one of them a very lovely single mother who had taken quite an interest in him, Finn hadn't had much of a chance to talk to anyone in the gang. But Helen had given him her phone number and told him that her son, Peter, was with his father next weekend. Finn made no promises, but knew he had to start dating for real. He had a feeling from the way Helen had handed him the piece of paper with her number, that she didn't really want to date though… Still it had been a few months since he'd had sex, so maybe he'd give her a call. Make the long drive to Stamford for yet another one night stand.  
But he knew he wouldn't call her. Since Bianca, he'd really only been interested in finding himself a woman to marry. And today, he'd finally accepted it wouldn't be Rae.  
A few hours later, after having only said a few awkward words to Rae, he found himself outside, wondering if he should head to the shops to buys some cigarettes. He heard a laugh and then Chloe and Rae's partner came into sight. Finn watched on, unseen, as he leaned down and kissed Chloe passionately.  
Finn's mouth opened in shock and horror. Outrage on behalf of Rae surged through his body, his temples thumped with adrenalin.  
He couldn't even begin to fathom what he should do. He tried to count backwards from ten. But a very large part of him wanted to just go over there and thump the bastard for cheating on Rae, despite the fact that Rae's man was very tall and easily had 20 or 30 kilos on Finn.  
Another part of him wanted to shake Chloe and ask her how she could ever do this to Rae. He wanted to remind her that Rae was her best friend.  
Part of him wanted to run to Rae and tell her everything but the largest part of him didn't want her to go through this pain and humiliation.  
The guy smacked Chloe's arse as she headed inside, but he stayed outside and took a packet of cigarettes out of his pocket, staring up at the starry sky happily. Finn stared at him, trying to breathe through his anger. But it was Rae, and she deserved batter than this.  
In a snap, Finn decided to confront him, the practice of counting down from 10 forgotten. He stalked over to the guy.  
"Ah!" The guy said happily as he took a cigarette out and shoved the packet back in his pocket, "Finn Nelson! I been meaning to talk to you all day! Rae pointed you out! Now then, I have an opportunity for-"  
And Finn punched him in the face. The guy took a few steps back, his hands flying up to his face, a look of complete shock and confusion on his face.  
"You right fucking pillock!" Finn sneered at him angrily.  
"What was that for?" The guy yelled back.  
"You know what!"  
"I have no fucking idea!" He was bewildered.  
"For cheating on Rae you fucking scumbag. With her best friend!" Finn was so angry. Just saying those words made the rage start to surge through his veins; he was gonna have to hit this guy again for trying to deny it.  
"On Rae? What?" He answered.  
"I just saw it, you fucking-" But Finn was too apoplectic and he took a swing at the guy again. But he was too quick and stepped back, his eyes glued to Finn, the stunned bewilderment still on his face. Finn advanced on him, talking through teeth clenched with rage. "Why would you cheat on her? With her best friend! You're such a-"  
"I'm not with Rae!" He yelled in return and Finn stopped advancing on him, confusion in his eyes.  
"Don't fucking lie to me…" But Finn was less sure now.  
"Chloe's my fiancé and Rae's one of my best friends…" The man replied. Finn's rage very suddenly stopped in its tracks. "We've only been engaged for a week, but the ring on Chloe's finger should-."  
"Oh…" Finn said softly; he remembered seeing the ring, "But I saw you touching her hip."  
"Who's hip? Rae's?" The guy asked and Finn nodded in reply, "Well I have known her since uni, she was the first friend I made there… and we work together now… so… I guess we're just comfy with each other."  
"Oh fuck…" Finn said softly, "I'm so sorry." He tried to put his hands up to check the man's face, but the man backed up. "No I won't do it again." Finn stumbled over his words, "I'm so sorry!"  
"You really care about Rae." The guy said, "Cos I could beat the shit outta you. I'm fucking twice your size!"  
"Yeah I'd believe it." Finn answered, Chloe's fiancé was huge.  
"My name's Jeff." He held out his hand. Finn took it and they shook. "Truce?"  
"Yeah, I'm real sorry… do you need ice or..?"  
"No, it's fine, I've had worse." Jeff answered. "I was going to tell you, before you decided to assault me…"  
"So sorry…"  
"That we've been wanting to get a co-host for Rae's show for a few years now. I'm her producer." He explained, "The station asked her if she knew anyone with great music knowledge that could stand up against her knowledge and wit and banter. She suggested you. But then added that you two don't really talk anymore, so it might not be a great idea." He pulled out his lighter and lit up the cigarette, still in his hand, "But I'd be willing to give you an audition of sorts. If you're interested?"

In the two weeks he'd been working with her, he realised that the happiness he'd seen was coming from within herself. No one was making her that happy other than herself.  
It was truly inspiring to Finn and he decided to try and live his life like that; making himself happy, enjoying life.  
Chloe was moving in with Jeff in London, leaving just Danny, Chop and Izzy still in Stamford. Danny did a lot of baby sitting for Chop and Izzy in between his own job and they had formed a very tight knit family. It made the four of them feel less guilty for leaving them behind to live in London. Archie had started dating his 'friend' – a guy named Raymond… Ray… it was fair to say that Rae and Ray had far too much fun with the name thing and it was a source of constant eye rolling for Archie.  
But for Finn, the most miraculous thing for him had been coming to work with Rae.  
At first he hadn't been able to take his mind off how close she was and his feelings for her, but slowly the demands of the job and his unadulterated love of this work took over. Finn's time at work was strictly professional; even though it was Rae who was his senior co-host.  
They didn't speak much on a personal level, but it didn't stop them from talking well professionally; their shared love of music took over. The show was great, people loved it and Rae's already high ratings went even higher.  
They were down in the archives, pulling CDs for their next show, Finn checking the list from their planning meeting.  
"We should play some Bowie." Rae said softly.  
"He's not on the list for today." Finn answered, his eyes on the list, crossing off things as they found them. "It's gonna be sad when they get all these old albums onto the computer system." He lamented. The station had just announced it was 'going digital' and that all their archive and music would be put onto computer over the next few years.  
"That's why we should play Bowie. He's always good for marking the end of an era." Rae reasoned.  
"Yeah I know, I played the hell outta him after…" But Finn stopped. The end of that sentence was 'we broke up.' There was an awkward silence. "Listen Rae-"  
"Finn…" She said with a weary tone.  
"I wanna apologise for being a monumental knob-head for the past… fucking decade… Like since the first day we met really." He said.  
"You haven't been knob-head since the day we met." She shook her head.  
"No you're right, I was one before that too." He answered, "I been selfish, and inconsiderate and lazy. But I understand now. I get why we didn't just get back together after you finished uni… which is what I was hoping for." He admitted, understanding how entitled to her he had felt, and how messed up that was. "I just want you to know, that I don't pine after ya anymore. Like… I do miss our friendship. And I will always love you. But I am finally over ya girl." He took the Bowie cd out of her hand and put it in the basket of discs they were going to play songs from. "End of an era." He said softly.  
"I miss our friendship too." Rae answered. "Only cos it's so cute when you think ya know more about music than me." They both broke out into a smile. "Friends?"  
"Aye."

She was wearing jeans and a 'Muse' shirt. She always wore jeans and a band t-shirt to work. He liked that. They matched.  
He loved their early morning noodle breakfasts. She called it pho and constantly corrected him, but he'd always call it noodle soup, cos it made her scrunch her nose at him.  
She had gone to Vietnam a few years back and gotten into the habit of eating pho ga for breakfast there. Or chicken noodle soup as Finn stubbornly called it. When she had found this tiny Vietnamese restaurant, she had religiously begun coming here for breakfast, and now, he did too.  
She had invited him on their anniversary of working together for a year, and he had decided to make it a daily event.  
"I'm so excited to have 2 weeks off work." She said as she scooped some chilli into her soup, "I love that job, but I'm so keen to go to Dahab with Archer." Archie had organised for them all to head to a laid back Egyptian beach town on the Sinai Peninsula for 10 days. Gang members and their partners only. Then Rae was heading to Tunisia to visit her mum for another 4 days before heading back to work.  
"Yeah same." Finn said. "Did Chlo and Jeff decide to come?"  
"Yep." Rae answered. "But Chop and Iz are out, and Danny hasn't gotten back to us yet; he can't decide whether to invite Julian or not." Rae shrugged. Finn didn't ask if she was bringing someone; he just assumed she was. He figured he'd be the odd one out. Archie would be with Raymond, Chloe and Jeff would be together, Ray and whoever she was currently dating would be together, and he'd just hang around with them; the seventh wheel.  
"If he hasn't told us yet, he's probably not gonna make it." Finn said with a frown.  
"Right lad, we gotta head into work. Last day before the holidays." She gave an excited grin and got up. Finn followed her out of the restaurant and they walked together to the studio.  
"You two!" Jeff said as they walked in the door, "Clean out ya fucking desks afore you go on holidays, ya got 'alf the fucking inventory up here!" Rae and Finn shared a guilty grin and apologised as they headed to their desks, littered with CDs from the archives and demo tapes and new releases and music magazines all sorts of junk. Finn started gathering up all the CDs to go back into the archives and dumping them carefully into the basket they used to move them around easier.  
"I think we're gonna need the trolley!" Rae declared with a guilty chuckle as she went to get the shopping trolley from the side of the room; they were a low-budget radio station because they refused to play too many advertisements. But they still managed to pay their presenters pretty well. Finn dumped the CDs straight into the trolley, taking them from the basket, and Rae joined in, clearing her desk of records, tapes and CDs. Rae had taken on the project of transferring all the records and tapes onto computer for the station. They'd had to get her some special equipment, and she'd thoroughly enjoyed tinkering away with it all while Finn looked on, learning more about it all everyday.  
When they'd filled up the trolley as much as they could they headed towards the lift down to the archives.  
"We'll have to come back for the rest." Finn pulled a face and they both laughed; they both loved having access to this much music.  
"Twice." Rae answered then looked over her shoulder at their desks. "Maybe more like three times." They pushed the trolley in the tiny elevator and squeezed in behind it, Finn pressing the down button. "I hate this fucking thing." Rae murmured.  
"Yeah it's fucking slow."  
"Glacially slow." Rae agreed with him, "And I'm always sure it's gonna break down and leave me fucking stranded…"  
"And the jolt it does when it finally gets going…" Finn said, "Makes me think it's gonna plunge us to our fucking deaths!"  
They stood in silence for a moment as they waited for the doors to close.  
"Hey!" It was Alice calling to them, "Hold the chuffing doors." She jogged over with two CDs in her hand. Neither Rae or Finn made an attempt to stop the doors to the elevator. Alice was new here; she had no idea just how slow the lift was. She got to the lift and squeezed in pushing Rae and Finn closer. Rae was about to offer to just take her CDs down when the doors finally closed.  
"Just the first floor for me." Alice told Finn and he nodded and pressed the button. Rae was so close to him now, he could smell her. He loved the way she smelled. Finn could feel her breath on his neck when she turned her head to look at him, but he kept his eyes straight ahead, stopping himself from looking at her, even though he could feel the heat emanating from her. He had to be professional; they worked together.  
"Go' you guys 'ave got a few albums!" Alice joked "I thought we was only allowed to have enough CDs for our show out of the archives at any given time…" She said, looking at their trolley. Rae and Finn shared a look as Alice continued to chat, "but I s'pose if you're the best rated show at the station you can afford to break the rules a bit." She continued as the lift jolted violently making her squeal. She bumped into Rae and Rae bumped into Finn. They were painfully, brutally, intimately close now. "Bloody hell." Alice exclaimed as Finn tried to keep his breathing even and to keep as professional demeanour as possible. "This whole building's gonna collapse around us innit?" Alice laughed nervously as Rae straightened up, her eyes meeting Finn's for a moment. And he swore he saw desire in her eyes, just a moment of a flicker before she looked over to Alice.  
"Nah it's fine Alice." Rae said, "she's just an old girl with her own little bumps and bruises." She soothed. They stood in silence, Rae's arm pressed against Finn's chest, her hand dangling painfully close to his groin. Finn had managed to keep these feelings for her under control since he'd been working with her, but now they were bursting through his body… and threatening to make him burst out of jeans. He cleared his throat, closed his eyes and took a deep breath, counting backwards from 10 as he slowly let the breath out.  
"You got anything exciting happening while you're on holidays?" Alice asked.  
"Heading to a beach." Rae answered, "Plus I think I'm gonna be made to look at some ancient buildings again." She said, "I already seen 'em but one of me mates who's right into history hasn't, so…" She shrugged to indicate that she knew full well Archie was going to make her explore every inch of those pyramids when they got into Cairo before they headed off to Dahab. Finn broke out into a grin and nodded.  
"Sounds like Archer." He agreed.  
"Don't sound so happy, you know he's gonna make you scramble around in the fucking desert for fucking hours too." Rae told him and Finn groaned and nodded his head.  
"Oh so you two are going together?" She said.  
"Yeah it's a bunch of friends going." Rae answered.  
"Oh I'd heard all the rumours that you two was going out. But I didn't believe 'em cos you're always so professional, even though there's so much chemistry between y-"  
"We're not going out." Finn said sharply. He didn't want Rae to grow distant again because of some office rumours. Her friendship was precious to him, and the hope that he had squashed, that maybe they could get back together, was beginning to grow again. He knew he had to fight that hope, but when she was this close to him, it was almost impossible for him to not sweep her into his arms and kiss her passionately. And the wild thought that she just might kiss him back was far too tempting not to entertain, even if only a little.  
"Nope." Rae agreed and Alice looked from Finn a look of scepticism that Finn didn't see because he'd allowed himself to look at her; the side of her face, the curve of her lips, the flutter of her eyelashes. He knew he was in trouble again. He always would be when it came to her. She was his 'real thing'.  
"Ok." She said in a tone that indicated that she was in on their big secret now.  
"Really." Rae answered. Finn looked down and tried to stop himself from clearing his throat suspiciously. He desperately needed to rearrange himself; his pants had gotten decidedly tighter in the past few minutes.  
The lift finally jolted again and Alice squealed again and again pushed Rae into Finn, this time Rae's hands reached out to stop her fall, and one of her hands pressed against his groin. They paused, only centimetres apart, the back of her hand still on his groin, their eyes met. She pulled her hand away and lowered her eyes and Finn cleared his throat and looked away, subtly trying to shift his pants; his erection would be painfully obvious to anyone who looked down. And there was no way Rae didn't just feel that; the throbbing heat from him was practically palpable without physical contact, and her hand had just copped full contact. He looked up at her; she was looking down at the ground, sucking her bottom lip. Yep. She'd felt it.  
"Sorry!" Alice was yabbering on again as Rae and Finn stared down at the ground, neither speaking. "Go' these doors take forever to open." Alice said, "I always forget how slow this lift is." She kept talking while Finn tried to not be hyper-aware of how close Rae was. He tried to take another deep breath and count backwards from 10. He tried to think of something, anything to get his erection under control. "Prob'ly cos I only been here 2 weeks!" She answered herself with a laugh.  
"Yep." Rae cleared her throat. The doors opened on the first floor of the archives and Alice gave them an awkward wave.  
"Well this is me!" She said and got out.  
They stood in silence as they watched Alice leave and head into the CD stacks of the newer collection. They had some CDs to return here, but they were heading down to the basement first; where the older records were stored.  
It took Finn the full 45 seconds it took the door to close to realise that Rae hadn't moved away from him. He supposed she hadn't realised, or didn't want to seem rude… but she was so close, and he found himself staring at the side of her face hungrily, his hips, ever so slightly, moving as he thought about things he shouldn't be thinking about. She was his friend now. He had to forget how good it felt to be inside of her.  
She cleared her throat.  
The lift jolted again as it started to move, but they were both used to it and neither of them accidentally fell closer. Although Finn had hoped she would.  
He cleared his throat, trying to hide his sigh of unadulterated lust as he watched her breasts rise in a deep breath.  
He licked his lips.  
He tried to take his eyes off her.  
"I'm sorry that I uh…" Rae started.  
"No. Not your fault." Finn answered, neither of them making eye contact. "You know that thing happens to guys all the time… no particular reason." Finn almost kicked himself for drawing attention to his erection like that.  
"Yeah I know." She answered, still looking straight ahead. "Lived with one of me ex-boyfriends for a bit…" She nodded slowly, "it was always up and down for no reason… like the wind'd change direction or something and," she made a nice to indicate an erecting penis and Finn nodded and tried to chuckle. "Don't mean nothing."  
"Aye." Finn agreed nodding, his eyes not able to leave her.  
And then she turned to look at him.  
Thier eyes met and there was an unmistakable blaze of heat between them.  
Finn felt like he could barely take a breath, and by the way her breasts were rising so invitingly, it seemed like she was struggling to get her breath too.  
"It's been a hot spring." She whispered.  
"Unseasonably so." Finn agreed in a low voice that barely disguised his lust. "It's very hot in here." The words left his mouth, but he didn't have time to panic about it.  
"Cos o' the heat." Rae answered.  
"In the spring." Finn agreed again.  
"So… hot." Rae said, "Unseasonably."  
"Dahab'll be cold in comparison." Finn had noticed that neither of them looked away.  
"Freezing." She agreed and the lift jolted to a stop. This time they both jolted forward; they had both been too engrossed in looking at each other to be prepared for it… that's what Finn told himself, rather than maybe one of them (him) had 'accidentally on purpose' jolted themselves forward.  
They banged into each other lightly, their faces coming close together. But Rae laughed and looked down.  
"Wasn't paying attention." She laughed awkwardly and straightened up. It took everything in Finn not to grab her and kiss her. He'd probably be able to make love to her in the lift in the time it took it to get to the next floor if someone called it. But she was already turning to their trolley and starting to manoeuver it. Finn helped her, trying to get his spinning head and jittering stomach under control.  
They pushed the trolley through to the back of the basement and started putting the records back on the shelves. They worked in unusual silence, Finn kept trying to think of a topic of conversation, but the only thing he could think to say was 'are you seeing anyone?'  
"How are you getting to the airport tomorrow?" Rae asked, finally breaking the long silence.  
"Taxi. Wanna share?"  
"Aye thanks." Rae answered. Finn felt his heart skip a beat; he so hoped that this meant that she wasn't bringing someone with her to Dahab.

For as chaotic and hectic as Cairo had been, Dahab was quieter and peaceful; a hippy, backpacker's village by the ocean with some high class hotels and delicious restaurants right on the beach. There was also several wonderful snorkelling places right off the beach.  
Tomorrow Archie had them all getting up early to head inland to Saint Katherine's monastery and Mount Sinai, apparently the location of where Moses got the ten commandments from God or something.  
After a night in Cairo they had headed to Dahab to find that their expensive 5 star hotel had put Finn and Rae in the same room with a king sized bed. After a bit of complaining it was changed to two queen sized beds; which is what Archie had booked. When quizzed on it, he told them it was cheaper than two rooms. And the last three nights had seen Finn trying not to look at Rae as she fell asleep.  
Right now he was lying in bed staring at the ceiling, trying not to think about how good she looked in her red bikini and wondering if he had indeed spotted a nipple piercing. She was in the shower now, and he just couldn't let himself think about her naked in there.  
They were friends.  
They were work colleagues.  
They were not dating. Were not lovers. Were not in love… at least one of them wasn't anyway.  
She came out of the bathroom with her hair in a towel, her nightie riding up her thighs slightly as she sat down.  
"What are ya doing out here Finney lad?" She asked with a laugh, noticing that the tv was off and he was just lying in bed staring at the ceiling.  
"Just thinking." He answered.  
"Naw and I thought ya didn't like trying new things." She joked, he laughed, reminded of a time over ten years ago when he'd asked her what she was thinking, and she'd told him she was trying to think of a way to tell him about his BO. He'd liked how she didn't seem to adore him, or hold him as perfect. Of course, he knew now that she'd been faking that out of nerves.  
"Only one new thing a week for me." He answered feeling slightly sad and nostalgic for a time they'd never really had; a truly honest and real relationship. They'd both always held back something..  
"Well this one'll prob'ly put ya outta action for a month." She teased.  
There was something unusual, something strange in the air tonight. It felt like old times, but not… they'd never have that time back. But there was something reminiscent of those times in this moment, something familiar and warm, comfortable… but something new. Her joke at his expense wasn't faked. She wasn't covering nerves now. She didn't hold him up on that pedestal anymore. He looked over at her and it was like seeing her for the first time. She was the most familiar person in the world to him, the woman he was in love with and always would be… but she was someone new. Someone he was still getting to know.  
He realised that he was seeing her for the first time as an equal. He'd finally gotten her off that pedestal too. He looked over at her; sitting on her bed, drying her hair, looking more beautiful than ever.  
"Do you remember when you decided we was gonna have that picnic?" He said and she immediately began giggling. "And I didn't tell ya I wasn't feeing well…?" They had been driving into the countryside and he'd had to pull over to the side of the road to run behind the bushes to take a crap. But in his haste he hadn't noticed that the road was on a tight curve in the road, and the bushes were surrounded on 3 sides by the road. So as he squatted there, thinking he was well covered by the bushes staring at his car, Rae sitting in it, obviously worrying, he heard yells and laughter and looked over his shoulder to see a ute full of lads driving along the road behind him.  
It had been quite a drive home, the picnic basket untouched in the back of the car.  
"You know… I'd tell ya I was unwell now." He said softly.  
"And I'd believe ya instead o' thinkin' you just didn't wanna go with me." Rae answered. There was a moment of silence as they stared at each other. "You know, I really need to say sorry about how I was back then…" Rae said softly and lowered her eyes.  
"No you don't." Finn rebutted immutably.  
"I wasn't always easy to be around…"  
"No one is." Finn answered with a small shrug.  
"Yeah but… you couldn't say that to me back then cos I'd have gone into a self-hating spiral of self-destruction." Rae said, "It's hard being around people like me sometimes… like being in a minefield I s'pose."  
"It never felt like that to me." Finn answered. "That's probably why I fucked up so bad. I never realised how serious your problems were." He sat up in his bed. "I'm so sorry I left you alone with them."  
"I think I needed it." Rae answered, "I mean it was hard… but I kinda got the idea into me head that I was only any good cos I had you. Once I decided I had to save myself instead of waiting for you or anyone else to do it… well… that's when I really started to get better. Started to realise that I was good just by myself."  
"But you shouldn't have had to do it by yourself."  
"I didn't." Rae said, "I met Jeff almost straight away… I gotta huge array of friends you've never met. A new therapist who specialised in body image and feminism… I didn't do it by myself. I just… Stamford had become a rut for me. A far too well trodden path. It was safe and comfortable. And I'd come so far with my recovery that I thought I'd done enough." She put her towel aside, "I mean I'd done enough to keep you. Until the first problem came up. Then it all fell apart." She looked down at her hands. "Those first few weeks at uni were so hard… I nearly called you so many times." She shook her head, "But I realised that sometimes safe and comfortable isn't what you really need. Sometimes you gotta face all those fears. And I did." She leaned across the gap between their beds, "I could've never done that with you. Cos you were my safety."  
"I wish I could've been your danger too." They shared a moment of silence before laughing at the absurdity of that sentence.  
"I wasn't ready for a lad that was both safe and dangerous." She gave him a grin, "I needed safety, and you gave that to me. But for me to get better, I needed to stop relying on you. And to learn to rely on myself. So really it all ended up ok in the end. I proved to myself that there's nothing I can't do. Not a thing." She was so, so beautiful right now because that strength he so admired was shining more than ever. Finn made himself count backwards from 10. "And like I said; I didn't do it alone. It was just that I didn't let myself learn to rely on the new group of friends so easily… and when I did , I relied on them in an entirely different way, cos I relied on me the most. I gave myself time with me. Getting to know me. Getting to trust me… and finally getting to like me." She shrugged, "It was terrifying, and if I hadn't met Jeff, I'm not sure I would've been brave enough. Cos he was going through pretty much the same thing."  
"Did you and Jeff ever…?" Finn said with a teasing grin.  
"Fuck yes we did!" Rae laughed, "I'm mental not blind Finlay. Jeff's fucking fit as fuck." She told him and they both laughed, "It was fun, but we don't love each other that way, and it kinda dwindled out naturally… we started with fucking and just grew into being friends."  
"Does Chloe know?"  
"Yeah. She met him when we was still fucking." Rae said. "They knew each other a couple o' years before they started dating. That one grew the other way, from friendship into love and lovely sex." Rae gave a cheeky grin, "might've even had a threesome." She said with a teasing grin.  
"Oh aye?" Finn said, "Tell me all about it." He laid down on the bed and Rae laughed.  
"Nah. That one's for us three." Rae answered, "But just know, that it was earth-shatteringly good."  
"You always did know how to get my fucking motor going girl." Finn sighed.

"It's strange not hating going back to work." Finn said as they walked to work together. "I mean I didn't hate being a mechanic with Chop, but I fucking love this job." He turned to look at her, "Thanks for getting me this job."  
"I think you've thanked me about 40,000 times now." Rae answered.  
"Not nearly enough." He said happily as they walked into the building.  
They sat down at their desks and booted up their computers, reading through the memos that had been left on their desks. Rae checked her email and made an excited noise. Finn looked up but she was busy typing a reply. Some sort of good news he supposed.  
"Jeff, I gotta head out for about an hour." She said as she got up.  
"You just got back!" He complained.  
"I know!" Rae laughed, "I'm just the worst!' She grabbed her bag and headed back out, Finn watching her go with furrowed brows.

The past few months had gone by in a flurry of happy days and happy evenings spent with friends, and even more often with Rae. She seemed busy a lot of the time, but never too busy to spend time with him.  
They talked about everything now; music, computer games, football, their deep personal thoughts and feelings… He felt like he was really getting to know her in a way he never had before. She had told him everything about her time in uni, about her therapy, about her ex-boyfriends. And he had told her about the journey he'd been through the past nearly ten years.  
They were closer than they had ever been, and it felt to Finn like they would naturally, over time, end up falling back together. The momentum was definitely going that way.  
"Just give it a few months." He whispered to himself in the mirror. He had to be patient and not try to push it, but instead let it just grow and evolve naturally. They were heading out to see a movie tonight: The Dark Knight. Rae had been saying how sad she was about Heath Ledger's death, so they heading out to the premier after dinner, on a truly balmy night.  
Finn checked himself several times in the mirror before he finally headed out to pick her up at her house; they'd walk to the restaurant and then the cinema.  
When she opened the door, Finn had to stop himself from making a lusty noise of appreciation. She was wearing a floral, strappy dress that clung to her breasts masterfully. That dress deserved a medal from all straight men in the world for doing such a stellar job of accentuating her breasts. Finn had quite a job of it, not looking down at them.  
"Looking quite dapper Mr Nelson." She said as she came out the door. Finn saw some boxes behind her and furrowed his brows.  
"You packing up Rae-Rae?" He asked and she shrugged in reply.  
"Come on, we're running late!" She bustled him off down the road and he went happily, caught up in her frenetic mood.  
He'd chosen a fairly flash Italian restaurant; the line between 'mate's night out' and 'date-night' had been blurring for them over the past few weeks, and he wanted to subtly clarify it like this.  
When he watched her looking at the menu, grinning happily, he knew he'd chosen right.  
"Did I thank you for getting me a good paying job I fucking love?" He said as he took a sip of the wine he'd chosen for them. Rae looked at the swish wine, and at Finn looking excited and nervous. She understood that this was a date.  
"You might have." She grinned in reply.  
"You know, I think I could happily work there forever." Finn told her; he wanted to add what he was thinking: that he could work there forever because she was there.  
"Really?" She scrunched up her nose.  
"Not you?" He asked, surprised and concerned.  
"I won't be there by the end of the year." She answered with a grim smile. "Sorry pal, but you're gonna have to find yourself a new co-host."  
"What?"  
"Don't tell Jeff yet but, cos I haven't told him yet." Rae told him.  
"D'you get another job?"  
"Not yet." Rae grinned excitedly, "but I will."  
"I don't understand…" Finn's heart was dropping.  
"Don't worry about it Finny." She said, "We got a good night planned. We'll talk about that later."  
And Finn let it drop; he wanted to enjoy the night. But a seed of fear and doubt had crept into his heart. They'd been telling each other everything lately. And now she was holding something back.  
But he allowed himself to be swept up in her humour, her spirit, her company.  
Her.  
They had a wonderful dinner, and the movie was quite good, and now they were dawdling home, chatting animatedly.  
"I reckon he'll get the Oscar." Rae insisted.  
"He fucking should get it." Finn said, "it's fucked up that he's dead."  
"He was so talented." Rae lamented. "But Christopher Bale's voice as Batman was so fucking annoying."  
"Why would you say that?" Finn mimicked the voice Bale used in the role, "Can't you feel how dramatic and urgent everything is when I use this voice?" Rae giggled, "Why would you mock my voice Rae?" Finn continued. "Yeah it were shite." He returned to his normal voice. "Bad directing I reckon."  
"Oh sacrilege!" Rae said dramatically. "Don't say that in front o' Archie!"  
"Oh god no!" Finn agreed, laughing.  
"He worships Christopher Nolan!"  
"And the ground under his perfect little feet." Finn agreed.  
"Alright." Rae said reluctantly as they got to her door. "End of the date." She said with a cheeky grin.  
"You noticed huh?" Finn asked as he stepped closer and leaned on her door with his shoulder, his eyes never leaving hers, the grin they shared never faltering.  
"How could I not Finlay?" She asked and leaned on her door too.  
"I just thought we deserved a nice meal." He tried to not push. He remembered what he'd told himself before this date; just let it form naturally, he just needed a few months to let it grow. The seeds were definitely there. All it needed was time and the right food.  
"And our pho ga isn't a nice meal 5 days a week?" She laughed, edging closer.  
"Nicest way to start the day." He said and matched her by edging forward slightly.  
And then she put a hand on his chest and a flurry of electricity went through his whole being. He put a hand on her waist, thinking that maybe it wasn't going to take a few months after all when he saw the fire in her eyes. He leaned in closer, his eyes flicking to her lips.  
"Finn…" Her voice was filled with desire and deep emotion. She tilted her head to the side as he moved in closer, his lips almost brushing hers. And then she looked down. He stayed close to her, his hand still on her waist as her fingers curled around his shirt. The closeness was killing him. The heat between them was enough to keep the country warm in the depths of winter. This was the real thing. She was his forever, his home, the love of his life.  
"Rae." He whispered and she looked up, her face coming level with his, her lips almost brushing his. They stayed like that for a moment. "Rae…" He tried to say so much with just that word.  
"Finn." Her voice sounded strangled with emotion this time and she slowly and with obvious reluctance looked down again.  
"What is it Rae?" Finn worried.  
"I didn't mean for this to happen…. I…" Finn could hear that her voice was cracking with emotion. "I can't do his. It's not fair on you." She whispered and turned from him, slipping her key into the door.  
"What are ya talking about?" He asked, fear and despair starting to make him panic. He was losing her again. "Rae?" She stopped before she opened the door. "Please talk to me Rae…"  
"I will." She whispered. "I just need to… to think." She answered and then leaned towards him and kissed his cheek. "Good night Finn."  
And she was gone, leaving Finn starting at her closed door, utterly perplexed, and completely panicked that this time when he lost her, it'd be forever.

She'd been quiet at work, but it seemed like their friendship was continuing, just with a little more distance. The amount of 'dates' they had had definitely slowed down. But Rae had told him that she was just very busy at the moment. He just wished he knew with what. But that distance between them meant he didn't really get chance to ask her.  
Finn hated it, but he didn't push.  
He figured that he'd been right the first time, that he just had to let it grow slowly, let it come together over the months. He'd just let it go a little too fast. He figured if he slowed down, he'd show her that he could be trusted, that he had grown up, that he could be patient. That he could and would wait for her for as long as she needed.

Early September always brought on a bout of the blues in Finn.  
For the first time in a long time he found himself sitting alone in his apartment; Archie and Ray were having an 'at-home date-night' in Archie's room and none of his friends were going out tonight, so he was, for all intents and purposes, alone for the night.  
He stopped himself from just staring blankly at the tv by surfing the net, which was only marginally better.  
His mind kept returning to Rae and the distance that had grown between them over the past 6 weeks since their near kiss.  
He was starting to worry that he'd read it wrong; that she hadn't been starting to fall back in love with him.  
He went through an agony of wishing he'd let that hope properly die when he mistaken Jeff and Rae's relationship, to knowing that he had seen that emotion in her. He just wished he knew what the right thing to do was.  
There was a knock on the door and Finn looked up from the computer. He checked the time: 9:04pm.  
"What the fuck?" He muttered and got up to answer it.  
It was Rae, staring in at him from the front door step, an anxious look on her face.  
"I just wanted to talk." She said softly, "About, you know, you and me."  
"Aye." Finn was surprised at how calm his voice sounded, given the cacophony of emotions her words had set off in him. "Come in." He started to count backwards to try and calm his nerves. He vacillated spectacularly between being sure that she was about to declare her love for him, and being positive that she was going to tell him she wanted him out of her life forever.  
"You seem a little grumpier than usual." She said softly with an attempt at a smile as she came through the door.  
"I always get a little sad around this time o' year." Finn said in a low voice.  
"Why's that?" Rae asked and sat down on the lounge . Finn closed the door to his apartment and looked at her. They could hear Archie and Raymond having loud sex in Archie's bedroom, with the television volume turned up very loud in an ill-fated attempt to hide it.  
"It's the anniversary of…" He hesitated to tell her, but then his will power gave in; how could he just keep remaining professional around her when he loved her so much? How could he just allow this distance to take over? He had to try; one last time, to really talk to her. That's why she was here wasn't it? "Of when we broke up." He said and sat down beside her.  
"Go' you keep track o' that?" She asked, obviously surprised. "What's that? Ten years?"  
"Yeah 10 years since…" He lowered his eyes. He wanted to say '10 years since I lost the love of my love cos I was being a fucking lazy knob-head and cos on some level, I actually had the fucking gall to think she'd just come back to me after she got her degree…' but he remained silent.  
"A lot's changed since then." Rae said softly, her eyes never leaving him.  
"Not everything though." He said and looked up at her, desperately hoping to see something from her to give him hope. He thought he'd given up that hope, but the past few months had seen it rekindling, and the hope that she could ever love him again was ablaze in his chest.  
"No." Rae agreed, "Not everything's changed." She leaned over and kissed his lips gently. It was an entirely different kiss to the ones she'd given him all those years ago when they'd fucked in Stamford. His hand went to her face and gently stroked her cheek. He wanted to tell her he loved her, but he also didn't want to break this moment. She stood up and held out a hand to him.  
"Come on." He understood what she wanted and took her hand, following her to his bedroom.  
He closed the door behind them and they started kissing again, a deep kiss, filled with desire and need and love. Finn could barely believe it. After 6 weeks of distance, she as here, in his bedroom, slowly undressing him, kissing his neck, kissing his chest with a deep loving tenderness. Finn's fingers were shaking as he tried to unbutton her blouse, but she stroked his face, her eyes filled with love, her touch telling him it was alright. Their lips met again and he found his steadiness, and the nerves started to melt away; this was right, and it was really happening.  
They lay down together in his bed, Rae settling in on her back and pulling him to be on top of her, wrapping one of her legs around his waist in the same movement. They kissed for a long time before Finn, stroking her cheek and staring into her eyes slowly penetrated her, a shudder of sheer unadulterated joy traveling through both of them as he did.  
She made a small breathy sigh of contentment as he slid his full length into her. A sound he understood because he felt it in his bones; they were home.  
He felt tears at the back of his eyes; he was finally making love to her again. But he realised that this was the first time he'd made love to her when he really knew himself, and he knew that there was never going to be anyone else for him. He nuzzled his face in the crook of her neck, kissing her gently, to hide his tears of happiness. But the way she wrapped her arms around him and stroked him soothingly as they made love, told him that she knew what he was feeling, knew of his tears.  
He had never felt more vulnerable than he did in this moment.  
But he knew. He knew he could trust her.  
So he stopped hiding.  
He pulled his face out of the inviting curve of her neck and shoulder and showed her his full emotion.  
And she kissed him.  
She kissed him.  
"I love you." The words rushed from his mouth, "Rae I love you." One of his tears dropped onto her cheek and he gently wiped it away.  
She pulled him closer, her arms holding him tightly and stared into his eyes, her hips coming up to meet his, their rhythm slow and deep.  
"I love you too Finn." She whispered almost silently. He felt safe. He was safe because he realised that she was as choked with emotion as he was.  
He kissed her, barely able to stop himself from screaming in joy. It felt like his chest would burst.  
They made love for a long time, murmuring words of love to each other, before Rae had a long, slow-burning and very satisfying orgasm.  
And then she rolled him onto his back and he laughed merrily; he'd missed her physical strength as well as her mental and emotional strength. She climbed on top of him and they continued making love. Rae wasn't fucking him for an orgasm this time, this time she was holding him closely, making love, breathing him in. Breathing each other in.  
When Finn finally came, he too had a wonderful slow building orgasm that shook his whole body with pleasure.  
And she didn't get up straight away. They lay together in each other's arms, gently talking, listening to each other's heartbeats. Just being together.  
When Finn looked over at the clock it was just past midnight.  
"Some talk." He joked gently. But Rae sat up, the anxiety back on her face. He could see the tears in the back of her eyes. "Rae?" Finn felt deeply worried. He felt like everything was about to come crashing down around him, just when he was so sure that finally his life was complete.  
"I should have said this first." She said, "But I just… I wanted to make love to you." She tried to explain.  
"What's wrong?" Finn felt dread spreading through his chest.  
"I just got the final approval to move to Australia." Rae answered, "And I wanna go. I mean… I am gonna go."  
Finn felt like the whole world had stopped. He blinked, not able to understand what she was saying.  
"You what?" He was bewildered.  
"I got the first inkling of this whole thing when we got back from Dahab." She kept trying to explain, "And then everything was just moving so fast, and then I got first approval in July and… Then you tried to kiss me… But… but I've already made arrangements in Australia. I have an apartment lined up and…" She stopped talking, realising she was talking too much. "I'm sorry I been distant lately. I just had a lot o' thinking to do about what I wanted and how I felt and where you fit into my life."  
"Yeah." Finn said softly and got off the bed, walking over to the wall he stared at it, desperately trying to understand this. Finn tried to count backwards from ten, tried to get his thoughts and emotions into some sort of order.  
"Finn." Rae asked sadly, he could hear the tears starting to crack her voice. How was this happening? He'd finally just gotten her back into his life; they were talking properly with truth and honesty, had a good strong friendship now. She'd just told him she loved him. He'd shown her his true vulnerability; and she'd kissed him, accepted him in his weakest moment, and that had made him the strongest he'd ever been. "Finn?" Everything in him was breaking apart. He couldn't lose her again. But she was leaving again. First for university, now for another country. Would she always be leaving him behind, outgrowing him? And would he always be that same knob-head that couldn't bring himself to be brave enough to do the hard work on himself that being with someone like her required? "Finn please say something." She was obviously beside herself with worry. Finn was staring at the wall, asking himself who he really was, and was he really capable of doing what was needed. "I still love you." she whispered, "Even though-"  
"Let me come with you Rae." He asked softly as he turned back to her. He couldn't bare for this moment to end, he couldn't lose her again. He could do whatever it took. He could make himself expand further, to include leaving his beloved homeland to strike out on a new and exhilarating and terrifying path. "I never stopped loving you. Not even in the times when I didn't deserve the privilege of loving you… not even in the times when I should have been focussing on loving myself." He crossed the room and went to her, putting his hands on her arms, "I'll go with you if you let me." He told her, "I'm not the same person I used to be."  
"I know." She answered. "I never stopped loving you either. Not for one minute. I just… I didn't see us as a viable option."  
"Me being a knob-head for a lot of the time you've known me probably didn't help."  
"No." She agreed, "It didn't. But I was a knob-head too ya know."  
"Aye I know." He answered. She was strangely reassured to hear him say that. "I'm still Finn. I still get grumpy. I still know more about music than you do. I still don't talk as much as I should. But I see you girl. I never really saw you right proper afore. But I do now. I got you off that pedestal Rae, and I love you even more now." He stroked her face gently, so glad that she didn't pull away from his loving gesture. "Take me with you?" She leaned over and put her hands on his face and looked him in the eyes.  
"That's what I was hopin' you'd say."  
"Yeah?"  
"Yeah and if you didn't, I had a whole speech planned, asking ya to come with me Finn."  
They stared at each other for a moment, and then Finn felt a burst of happiness surge through his body. "I wanna spend the rest of me life with you."  
"Well then you're gonna have'ta marry me girl." He surprised himself with those words; he hadn't intended to say them, hadn't expected to push his luck this much. But it felt like the right thing to say.  
"That's the plan." She answered, "Make all our friends come to a wedding on an Australian beach somewhere…" She said in a whimsical tone. "It'll be perfect.  
"Aye." He answered, "So that's… that's a yes…" He could barely believe it.  
"That's a yes Finn Nelson." She told him. "I wanna move to Australia, but I don't wanna do it without you."  
Finn could barely contain himself, he kissed her passionately, emotions surging through his body. He stopped and stared into her eyes, excited and nervous and beyond happy and so in love.  
"We're really gonna do this?" He whispered.  
"Yeah I think so." Rae answered. "I really think you'll like it in Australia. There's a state called Tasmania… very forest-y… I like it there."  
"I'll like wherever you are Rae. You're my home." He kissed her lips tenderly.  
"I love you." She told him.  
"I love you." He returned happily.  
"We're going to Australia!" She said excitedly before she kissed him again.


End file.
